


What If? - The Second Question

by Micky_The_Supernatural_Mouse



Series: The "What If...?" Series [2]
Category: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (Movies), Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, How to Train Your Dragon (Movies)
Genre: BAMF Minerva McGonagall, Charlie Hagrid and Newt Watch HTTYD, Everything Came From Tumblr, F/F, F/M, Gen, Godric Gryffindor's Sword, Hogwarts Memes, Horcruxes, John Hurt as the Dragon, Let's Break the Fourth Wall Together, M/M, Mentions of the Dragon Prince, Modern Slang Misuse, The Nokia 3310, The Nokia 3310 as a Horcrux, Theseus is Just Done, everyone is a mess, hugs for everyone, mentions of merlin
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-28
Updated: 2019-09-26
Packaged: 2019-09-29 02:09:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 7,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17194532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Micky_The_Supernatural_Mouse/pseuds/Micky_The_Supernatural_Mouse
Summary: Basically a continuation of my "What If?" one shot series but with more craziness and more tumblr prompts.Many, many, many crossovers to come.I have a lot of prompts saved up.





	1. It's Ya Boi, Peeves

**Author's Note:**

> Please Note: I do not currently have a computer that I can constantly type fanfiction on, and its really annoying to me to try and type it on my phone. So, I'm posting this while I actually have access to a computer even though I intended to post this on January 1st.  
> Enjoy!  
> -Micky The Mouse

Chapter 1 - It’s Ya Boi, Peeves!

Year 1  
It all started with Snape’s speech to his Gryffindor and Slytherin class.  
Now, dearest reader, it’s important to note that this does not occur within the confines of the so-called “canon” universe made up of twisted vines of well woven plot with subtle but powerful plot points made clear only years later by someone analyzing it on Tumblr. This is the universe where Hogwarts ended up creating memes about a decade and a half early.  
(Of course, the muggle population made memes widespread in the 2000s with the introduction of social media and smartphones but that isn’t important to the story. It’s the 90s.)  
Where were we? Oh yeah: Hogwarts had memes for one reason. Or more simply put, one person.  
This person was Hermione Granger. Now, Hermione Granger was extremely smart and she could do a complete rhetorical analysis of “The Scarlet Letter” in thirty minutes that would score a nine on an AP exam by the age of nine, had she lived in America, so it’s no surprise that she was able to utilize her knowledge and apply it to her desire for friendship amongst her magical peers.  
The first instance was when a kind Hufflepuff student named Hannah Abbott requester Hermione’s help in Charms. It was only a week into school but Hannah’s specialty was Herbology, not Charms. And Hermione was good at everything she did.  
“Hey, Hermione? I was wondering… would you be willing to tutor me in Charms? I didn’t really under the theory that Professor Flitwick introduced…” Hannah asked, her feet slightly shuffling across the floor showing her nervousness. She had always been a tad bit shy.  
Hermione, who had been reading a book while eating her Eggs Benedict, looked up and while the old, Primary School Era-Hermione would have simply said: “Sure, meet me in the library after the last period.”, this was NOT that Hermione.  
“Tutor you in Charms? I can teach you to SAUTÉ EXCELLENCE!” Hermione shouted. As she did this, she had stood and pointed at Hannah who was looking like a shocked anime character, and all the heads in the Great Hall - all thousand or so of them, turned to look at the two first years.  
The first two to burst out laughing were the Twins. Snape has used that speech for every year, much like how McGonagall always recycled her welcoming speech for first years before their sorting and when explaining the dangers of Transfiguration.  
“Well then -“ started Fred.  
“ - I don’t suppose that -“ George continued.  
“ - you could teach us -“  
“ - how to flambé success -“  
“ - or bake brilliance?”  
Ron, Harry, and unbeknownst to the rest of the Hall, Draco, snickered in amusion.

* * *

 

“Well class, we have a special guest today with us,” Professor Kettleburn to his fifth year O.W.L.S class for Care for Magical Creatures. “It’s Newt Scamander, famed magizoologist and author.”  
Percy Weasley immediately had a million questions.  
“Aw, Professor, you’re too kind.” Mr. Scamander replied, his eyes drifting slightly to the ground. Even almost seventy years later, Newt still retained the social anxiety from his 20s.  
(Not that I blame him. Society is cruel.)  
“Mr. Sandwich?” a Slytherin that Percy still didn’t actually know the real name of so he just referred to him as “Tight-Jeans Hank” because despite the Slytherin’s magical upbringing, he had the strangest fascination with black skinny jeans (which Percy only knew about because of his father and his rigorous Muggle Studies class), questioned.  
“His name is Newt Scamander,” Percy hissed out. “Not that you know much of anything, Tight-Jeans Hank.”  
“Nasal Sauerkraut?” Tight-Jeans Hank replied.  
Percy’s face was red with fury. How could Tight-Jeans Hank possibly not know who Newt Scamander was? He wrote one of their textbooks for crying out loud. He aided Dumbledore in the defeat of Grindelwald in 1945.  
(Charlie was a bit of a fanboy and passed his love onto Percy. One could only hear about Newt Scamander’s escapades with Porpentina Goldstein and Jacob Kowalski so many times without becoming entranced by them.)  
“Newt. Scamander.” Percy repeated.  
“Oh, I think I understood you that time.” Tight-Jeans Hank said.  
Percy sighed.  
“So it’s Nice Sparkler?”  
Percy screamed while his class laughed at the interactions between the two. Unbeknownst to Percy, Tight-Jeans Hank was actually Oliver Wood who enjoyed pissing off Percy for the heck of it.  
Meanwhile, Newt laughed at the various bad variations of his name. Tina would laugh at them, especially Nasal Sauerkraut.

* * *

“What is exactly is a Hufflepuff?”

It started off as a simple rhetorical question between Justin Finch-Fletchley and Cedric Diggory. It ended up becoming a meme.  
“Well the first thing you need to know is that Hufflepuffs are particularly good finders.” Cedric started. It was an inside joke in Hufflepuff started by a muggle born decades ago. “But anything can really be a Hufflepuff. A Niffler could be a Hufflepuff. A Slytherin could be a Hufflepuff in extremely rare circumstances and under the influence of mind-altering drugs.”  
He pointed to a potted plant. “That’s a Hufflepuff.”  
And while inside jokes tended to stay within the confines of the Common Room, this one didn’t.

“So what book are we looking for?” Susan Bones asked her lab partner, Padma Patil.  
“Uh, ‘The Beginner’s Guide to Potion Making’.” Padma replied.  
“Sounds like it’s a Hufflepuff.” Susan offhandedly said.  
It was a meme by dinner.

Year 2  
While Draco did have a habit of saying “Potter!” whenever he wanted to get the (admittedly cute) Gryffindor scum’s attention in First Year, it wasn’t until their second year until he was screaming it across the Great Hall at breakfast, lunch, and dinner.  
It became so commonplace that what originally was: “Really, in front of my salad?” looks, everyone continued eating as if nobody had every shouted.  
“POTTER!”  
“WHAT?!”  
“YOUR BREATH STINKS!”  
“SO DOES YOURS. GET A BREATH MINT.”

* * *

“LOCKHART!” someone screeched one morning in the Great Hall at breakfast as the golden haired liar strode through the aisle waving to his admirers.

Harry rolled his eyes and said to Ron: “I’m Lockhart. I just went to this town that somewhere in this mountain that I don’t know the name of but it was really pretty but anyways when I was in this town I met this chick who complained about these birds that constantly stole the shingles from her roof because they were under the control of this dragon named Mushu but that’s not the point and so her husband told me that the only way to get rid of this mind-controlling dragon was to give it water from the Fountain of Youth so I went to Peru to get water from the Fountain of Youth but in order to get that I had to wrestle a werewolf on the full moon and trample a Hippogriff with a flock of Thestrals who were spooked by this niffler who tried to steal all the gold in this Aztec temple that was there because he was allergic to the salt in the Pacific Ocean so I took the niffler back with me and the water to this mountain and after getting rid of the dragon the birds still took the shingles so the niffler went Super Saiyan on the birds and that’s how I broke into Gringotts.”  
“That story was wild from beginning to end.” Ron whistled. “Do you breathe?”  
“Oxygen isn’t required.”  
“Nothing you just said is able to be correct, Harry.” Hermione chimed in.

* * *

“So what do we have due tomorrow?” Harry asked.

“Oh nothing much,” Hermione started. “Just two projects for McGonagall, a lab for Snape, three essays for Flitwick, a rhetorical analysis on each of Lockhart’s books for Lockhart, and I think that there’s four tests tomorrow in Herbology. It’s a good thing I started yesterday or I wouldn’t get finished in time and be able to study for the Herbology exams.”  
“I think I’d rather be petrified.” Ron whimpered. “I haven’t started on anything.”

* * *

 

Year 3  
“Trust me. All cats are Minnie McGonagall.” - Sirius Black

* * *

“Excuse me, are you Hermione Granger?” a Ministry employee asked as Hermione entered McGonagall’s office.

“No, I’m Fred.” Hermione replied. She was able to hold her countenance for about thirty seconds before bursting out with laughter. “Sorry, it’s an inside joke. Is this about my classes for this year?”

* * *

“Now these lovely creatures are Hippogriffs.” Hagrid told his first (OH MY MERLIN, MY FIRST CLASS!) class of students. “Very proud creatures, Hippogriffs are.”

“Oh my Merlin,” Lavender exclaimed. “They’re leggy birbs!”  
(That was trending by lunch.)

* * *

 

The only good thing that came with Remus Lupin’s resignation was the fact that Colin Creevy had witnessed the most iconic moment of history and managed to record it AND capture Harry and Ron’s gobsmacked expressions and Malfoy’s utter shock.  
Colin posted it all around the school for all to witness.  
Gryffindor House led a parade for Hermione with her sitting on a chair from the common room transfigured into a throne and Percy conjured up a crown for her to wear. Crookshanks curled up on her lap for her to stroke and she was lifted up as if she was in a palanquin and shown off around the school. Fred and George (unbeknownst to Hermione, of course) bedazzled the back of Hermione’s robes to said “Head Bookworm 1993” in red and gold.

Year 4

Due to the plethora of portkeys present in their fourth year, all the students started to point at random objects and claim to their friends that it was a portkey. A ‘fun’ challenge created by the “Do-It-For-The-Vine” Gryffindors was to touch the item pointed out by another and try to let it go before the “portkey” disappeared.  
While everyone came out of it relatively unharmed, the challenge was shut down by the teachers when wizards from the Ministry in charge of organizing the events accidentally left a portkey laying around and two idiots did the challenge.  
Letting go of a traveling portkey is not a good idea and can cause some major disembowelment.

* * *

“Today, we’ll be learning about blast-ended skrewts.” Hagrid tried to start his lesson.  
“More like power bottoms.” snarked Malfoy, watching one of the skrewts explode.  
“Can’t you just leave one magical creature with its actual name?” Hagrid cried. The entire school refused to call Hippogriffs anything other than ‘leggy birbs’. It was so bad the most recent publication of Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them included an updated Hippogriff entry… with one of their alternate names being ‘leggy birbs’.

ONE YEAR LATER…  
Edition #49 of FANTASTIC BEASTS AND WHERE TO FIND THEM  
Blast-Ended Skrewts - “Power Bottoms”

 

Year 5  
“And Professor Twelranry -” whatever Umbridge was about to say was cut off by Ron Weasley looking like he was about to have a spazzim.  
He was holding his Divination book - closed - and was waving it around in the air.  
“AHHHH!” He screamed. “Professor! ON TUESDAY YOU WILL DIE OF AN INFECTED PAPERCUT!”  
Umbridge’s What-The-Hell look was well worth the detention he received though he could lived without Twelranry’s praise of his seer abilities.  
And on Tuesday, Umbridge was admitted into the hospital wing because she received many papercuts… all of which mysteriously became infected.  
She didn’t die.  
Sadly.

* * *

“Professor, if I could make a speech?” Draco Malfoy asked one day after Professor Umbridge was appointed Headmistress.  
“It’s quite fine with me.” Umbridge responded.  
Draco smirked. While he and Potter certainly didn’t get along (except for a few very intense make-out sessions in broom closets at all hours of the night that sometimes turned into borderline horizontal tango), he figured he could do this for him.  
Besides, even he didn’t like Umbridge and Potter and Dumbledore weren’t exactly on the best of speaking terms at the moment…  
“Dearest fellow students of Hogwarts. We have lost one of our most prolific mentors within the past couple of days. Professor Albert Penseive Walbert Beatrice Tanya Umar Lemon Sherbet Flamingo Richard Dumpsterfire was a truly inspirational teacher…”  
All of the teachers - even the staunchest of Dumbledore’s supporters - were crying with laughter at the end of Malfoy’s two hour long speech which managed to horribly roast Dumbledore while still seeming like he was praising his accomplishments. Umbridge actually passed out due to lack of oxygen, so she was actually human and not completely toad, and Harry’s face was red from his laughing and was streaked full of tears due to his laughter. His stomach ached from the two hours he spent laughing at Draco’s speech.

* * *

 

Nobody really knew why by whenever Peeves entered a room from some point after the twins left, he just would always announce his presence by screaming out “It’s ya boi, PEEVES!”

Year 6  
“Now, we are actually going to talk about making up your own charms.” Flitwick announced one day. “Does anyone have any ideas on how this is done?”  
Hermione’s hand stretched high into the sky while Ron huffed and said: “Can’t you just say something like ‘Make-Me-Bloody-Ancient-iosa’ or something?”  
“Mr. Weasley, I had hoped your six years at Hogwarts had taught you something more than just ‘Wingardium Leviosa’. And that is not how charms are made. Hermione?”

* * *

 

“So, a shack gets to scream and it’s all normal and haunted but when I do it, I’m disturbing class and a nuisance.’

Year 7  
“You think this is the year with no memes?” asked one terrified fifth year.  
“Nah. They’ll come up with something.” replied an equally terrified fourth year.

 

“I forgot on how much of a nuisance this damn tree was!” Hermione cried as she tried to get to the knot that froze the tree.  
One of the branches whacked Harry right on his butt. “Spank me harder, Daddy.” he muttered.  
“WHAT?” Hermione and Ron yell, looking at Harry.  
“Huh?” Harry responded.

 

“I feel like a terrifying meme was just created.”


	2. How To Train Your Dragon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I apologize for the long wait between chapters 1 and 2. I had everything planned out - like, sixty chapters worth - and I had an entire list of links to my Pinterest board that I keep all of the headcanons I come across for this fic.
> 
> And then, when I go to finally write chapter 2, none of the links are working. AND, to make sure I didn't duplicate a post, I was deleting them once I had put in the URL for that specific post. So FML. Anyways, I've used the past month to plan out fanfiction (and re-plan… and re-plan… and re-plan) so other than this fanfic, I don't have anything to post because I keep giving up on my own ideas. GAH!
> 
> Since HTTYD 3 is coming out soon, and I just saw this post while scrolling through the Google, I decided, why not? This would totally happen.

It started on March 26th, 2010.

Charlie Weasley was strolling through the streets of Bucharest, Romania, enjoying his day off. He sipped his coffee - truly a lifesaver when a baby dragon would accidentally set themselves and their surroundings on fire at 2 in the morning - and simply enjoyed the breeze and the spring weather.

And then - while passing one of the cinemas (that simply was on his path home) - he was the most amazing movie poster. It was a fourteen or fifteen-year-old teen punching up in the air while wearing a fur vest that reminded him of the fur coats worn by the Durmstrang students. Under the vest, he wore a long-sleeved olive shirt, and he was riding on what Charlie  _assumed_  was supposed to be a dragon. The dragon, who frankly looked more like a wyvern or flying cat, was pitch black with green eyes. And not the dull, murky, eye color commonly possessed by those with green eyes. No. The eyes of the dragon (or wyvern… or flying cat - whatever) were probably even greener than Harry's.

The title of the movie, written in large red letters - HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON.

"Bitch, I'm so there," Charlie muttered, downing the last of his coffee and tossing the cup into the trash can. He entered the building and said to the cashier in Romanian - " _One ticket for How to Train Your Dragon please."_

" _That'll be fifteen lei_." The cashier responded. Charlie fished out the required amount and handed it to the cashier. They then proceed to hand Charlie a ticket. " _Cinema Room 3._ "

Cinema Room 3 was rather crowded - Charlie guessed that the movie was quite popular or it was on its opening day or something. He found a seat and was prepared.

What happened next changed Charlie's life forever.

He watched as Hiccup tried to be like his dad and the rest of his tribe, never quite fitting in - due to his size, his 'uselessness', and later - his love of dragons. He watched as Hiccup shot down the Night Fury and how nobody believed him. Hiccup went to prove that he was correct - that he had indeed downed the dragon - but instead, let the dragon go.

Charlie could sympathize. He was the second born but he couldn't help but feel like the outcast of his family. Bill, while he was rebellious and got a job a curse breaker, he had gotten twelve OWLs in school, was a prefect, and Head Boy. Charlie was a good Quidditch player - sure - but he always found Care for Magical Creatures more interesting than any of his other classes and barely managed to pass the requirements for his NEWTs (with the exception of herbology - it was helpful in understanding what creatures ate what, what they couldn't eat, and what they wouldn't eat). He wasn't prefect or Head Boy - he was Quidditch captain.

And all his other siblings went into more conventional jobs than Dragon handling. He really got into the idea of it after a guest lecture from Newt Scamander his fifth year…

Charlie continued to watch as Hiccup swayed public opinion - starting with his age group and managing to pull everyone over by nearly dying. Well, whatever works, buddy.

As the final credits started to roll, Charlie thought.  _What a great movie, ten out of ten, would see again… wait Dragons… Hagrid would LOVE this movie - as would Mr. Scamander! After all, back during the First Great War he was a Dragon Handler himself… I HAVE to introduce them to this_.

And introduce them he did.

Hagrid and Newt  _loved_  the movie. So much so that all three of them began to petition for a tv show, a sequel - anything. They even read the books by Cressida Cowell. At one point, Charlie's love for the movie caused him to begin reading fanfiction about it.

And then, Disney Channel announced "Dragons: Riders of Berk".

Every week that there was an episode, Charlie, Newt, and Hagrid would have a viewing party in Charlie's little Romanian apartment with a smallish TV and they would feast on Romanian cuisine.

They watched the two seasons - Dragons: Riders of Berk and Defenders of Berk diligently. If they were ever not able to watch an episode, it was recorded.

And then Disney cancelled the show. Nobody was very happy.

But then they got a sequel.

Watching How to Train Your Dragon 2 was an emotional rollercoaster of laughter, sadness, and during the you-know-which-scene, depression and crying. Charlie ran out of tissues and had to run and grab some from the corner store because every single one of them was sobbing.

When How to Train Your Dragon 2 ended, none of them were willing to accept that this could possibly be the end of a franchise.

But thankfully it wasn't. Netflix announced Dragons: Race to the Edge and Charlie immediately got a subscription. He ended up finding a bunch of movies and TV shows that he ended up loving - especially Merlin; John Hurt as Kilgharrah reminded him of Ollivander. Every time a new season came out, the trio would again come together to binge watch the show.

And then the sixth season came out… but at least How to Train Your Dragon 3 would be coming out soon.

Watching the trailers that were released on Youtube, Charlie realized - his fears of 2014 were finally coming true - it's the end of a franchise. How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World was going to be the end. Everything good comes in threes.

Newt's 122nd Birthday was only a few days after the release of How To Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World (they had tried to go to Australia to watch the release there, but the Ministry wouldn't approve of a portkey to 'watch some muggle film' - they all got very offended) so Charlie and Hagrid went to watch the ending of an era. It was like reading the last book of a series - you weren't ready to give it up.

All of them cried at the end. It was impossible not to.

"I don't know what to do with my life anymore." Newt, now a hundred and twenty-two, said two days after watching the movie.

"...We could watch this show called 'The Dragon Prince' on Netflix." offered Charlie. "I meant to watch Season 1 back in September but I just never got around to it. Season 2 came out on the 15th. I hear it's pretty good and it has a baby dragon…"

"That sounds nice and non-depressing." Hagrid agreed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So… I hope you liked it. Obviously, I have no idea as to how HTTYD: The Hidden World will end as I live in America. If you are Australian and have already seen it… don't spoil it. I will be moderating comments on this chapter SIMPLY SO THAT THERE ARE NO SPOILERS!
> 
> Also, if you haven't seen The Dragon Prince yet - do so. The first season's animation isn't the best, but the storyline is amazing. Season 2 comes out on the fifteenth, as I mentioned in the fic.
> 
> Don't forget to celebrate Newt Scamander's 122nd birthday on February 24th!


	3. The Most Indestructible Object

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So funny story. I've managed to break two Otterbox cases... like, I literately snapped the phone case in half on accident... twice with two different Otterbox cases.
> 
> I don't know how, but I managed it. My friends joke that I could break a Nokia 3310 if I really tried.
> 
> Oh yeah, and pretend the Nokia 3310 came out in 1995.

Tom Riddle Jr, sixth year Slytherin prefect, had charmed his way into the restricted section of the library again, with the excuse of an extra credit project for Ancient Runes.

It wasn’t a complete and total lie - he was doing an extra credit project for Ancient Runes but the books he intended on using weren’t from the restricted section.

He strolled casually through the aisles of books.He wasn’t all that concerned with the prospect of being caught. He had charmed his way out of detentions before.

Finally, he found the book he was looking for. “ _ Secrets of the Darkest Art _ ...by Owle Bullock…” he murmured.

He flipped casually through the old tome. It had some truly twisted spells and rituals, including one that seemed to be a ressurection ritual of some sort.

As if necromancy could actually work.

Bone of the father…unknowingly given...

Flesh of the Servant…willingly given...

Blood of the Enemy...forcibly taken…

This ritual has the best results if the person you wish to resurrect has made a horcrux.

Well, it would be an interesting read at least, Tom thought, using a spell to quickly transfer the ritual onto a piece of parchment for further analysis.

Horcrux… horcrux… after flipping through a couple more pages, he finally found the instructions to create a horcrux.

It seemed easy enough. Kill a person you truly held contempt for. Then, with a little spell, transfer a part of your soul into an object.

The object would then become near indestructible.

 

_ Several Decades Later _

THE NOKIA PHONE NOW EXISTS

GUARANTEED TO BE INDESTRUCTIBLE!

After a few tests (including an Avada Kedavra which didn’t kill the phone surprisingly), Voldemort deemed the Nokia 3310 to be the perfect last horcrux.

It was muggle in nature, which would be unexpected by his enemies such as Potter, Granger, or Dumbledore, and as he had proved, it was indestructible. Add a little bit of horcrux magic, and he had a much better horcrux then Nagini could  _ ever _ be.

 

_ Three Years Later… _

“Voldemort’s last horcrux is a Nokia 3310?” Harry questioned, looking at the small cell.

“Fuck. Those are indestructible…” Hermione swore. Her aunt had a Nokia 3310 and she had dropped her phone into a running  _ blender _ (completely by accident) and it didn’t break.

Ron took Gryffindor’s sword and attempted to stab the phone.

He then looked at the tip of the blade. “It bended the metal?”


	4. The Obligatory Drarry Chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for my four and a half, almost five month absence. You see, I was taking three AP Classes (AP Psych, APES, and AP Lang) and there wasn't a lot of time for writing. So I'm making up for it by posting five fics in one day, one for each month I have missed. Let's hope that I'll be able to do a more steady pace from here on out.
> 
> This is the combination of two prompts - the first being "What If Harry Kissed Draco Malfoy instead of Cho Chang?" and the other is "Professor X Professor (Drarry)".

**The Obligatory Drarry Fic**

Harry stumbled into the Gryffindor Common Room with a look on his face that Hermione had never seen on her best friend's face. It was a cross between the rather cliche 'first kiss' dopey look with the 'what the fuck just happened' look of pure shock.

"Mate?" Ron asked tentatively. Despite Ron's complete lack of tact and forethought, even he could see that Harry was distressed - whether it was because of him (finally) receiving his first kiss or if it was because Ron likely recognized the 'what the fuck' face. It was common towards the end of each school year.

(She guessed that Ron was concerned that the 'what the fuck' face was appearing this early - Christmas break was just a few days away and despite Umbridge, this year had been rather calm. Or as calm as it could be when nobody believed that the World's Worst Magical Villain of the Late 20th Century had returned..)

Harry muttered a response and sluggishly trudged toward the staircase leading to the boy's dormitories.

"What was that?" Hermione probed. She assumed that it was Harry's now commonplace catchphrase of declaring that he was fine and didn't need anything. It didn't make sense though. He usually reserved the response for when he came back from detention with the most sadistic teacher to date. Hadn't he just come from the Room of Requirement? There was no reason for him to respond like that…

"I - I kissed Malfoy." Harry repeated in disbelief, as if he couldn't believe the words coming out of his mouth. Hermione didn't really blame him. Harry was observant, but not observant when it came to sexual orientation. Harry had confided in a few minor crushes on girls - such as Cho Chang - but anyone with eyes, a refined gaydar, and even an iota of a brain cell could tell that Harry was a raging bisexual.

Ron, who had taken a sip of butterbeer from the bottle he had palmed from the kitchens earlier in the week, spat out the drink.

"Hm?" Hermione simply hummed, raising a questioning eyebrow despite knowing exactly what was going on. There was a brief period of unsteady silence - neither Harry nor Ron knew what exactly to say.

You know the saying. If you want something done right, you have to get it done yourself.

"So…" Hermione continued with the probe. "How was it? Did you like it, or do you wish it never occured? Do you want it to happen again or would you rather that you never saw Malfoy again?"

Ron sputtered. "Obviously, if it's a kiss coming from that slimy git then it was bad, I bet. And what's with all the questions."

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Ron, I'm sure that Harry's kissing experience was not that bad. To a certain extent, of course. But honestly Harry, how was it?"

Harry shrugged. "Wet, I guess. He was crying. Well, he was after the intense make-out session we had."

_Several Years Later…_

"Professor Longbottom, is it true that Professor Potter is dating Professor Malfoy?' one student asked abruptly during Herbology.

"Oh yeah." Neville responded, eager to spread the gossip. "They've been dating since, like, fifth year."

The reactions were utterly hilarious.

Imagine that one scene that appears in pretty much every anime where everyone's body becomes that white blob. A perfect example is from the Grand Magic Games Story arc from  _Fairy Tail_  during the battle between Mirajane and Jenny. For those who watch it, remember when Oobaa, the guild master of Lamia Scale "wow'd" everyone with her bathing suit. That was everyone's reaction. If you don't understand, look it up on YouTube. You won't regret it.

_Anyways…_

It was common knowledge amongst the staff and students that "Drarry" was a thing. Like, a  _huge_  thing. About 55% of the gossip that went through the Hogwarts Gossip Mill™ was about the latest shenanigans performed by one part of the couple to the other.

The Potions Professor was known to burst randomly into the DADA classroom to berate Professor Potter about how he couldn't find any lacewings and  _wasn't it your responsibility this month to order the school supplies, Potter? Our boss will be hearing about this_.

Both of the two denied it.

"Me, dating  _Potter_? As if. Now get back to your potion or else I'll give you a Troll for annoying me with your idiotic dribble about my love life."

" _Malfoy_? Are you serious? There's no way I would date  _that_  idiot."

Of course, denial will only get you so far when the Prefects roaming the halls hear shelves collapsing in the broom closet and check to see who they have to give detention to  _this_ time. More than once have the prefects become mortified at seeing the most intense make out session of all time.

However, Headmistress McGonagall did approve the "Teacher Timeout" slips that Prefects can now give out  _exclusively_  to Hogwarts Power Couple so, there's that.

When the two first got together, a school-wide betting pool opened up amongst teachers, former and current students as well as a few members of the Board of Governors. Most claimed that Drarry would only last weeks.

But seeing the two blush while trying to 'discretely' hold hands in the hall and walking each other to their classrooms made everyone change their minds.

The current bet is forever and if Drarry doesn't stay canon at Hogwarts then over a thousand people are going to lose their money to the Gringotts goblins because they smartly bet that

_They'll last until they break up._

Which is very true and doesn't break any betting rules whatsoever.


	5. Ferret and Weasel

"Dad, can I get a ferret?"

Harry looked up to his son, Albus, with utter glee. "Why yes you can…"

_Meanwhile…_

"Scorpius, if you ask for a ferret again…" Draco muttered as he saw his son coming up to him.

"Dad, I've decided on a pet to take to school with me." Scorpius said. "And, despite my many years of trying, it will not be a ferret."

" _Dad, can I have a ferret for my birthday?" - Scorpius, age 5_

" _No." - Draco Malfoy, 26_

" _Dad, can I have a ferret for Christmas?" - Scorpius, age 6_

" _Never." - Draco Malfoy, age 27_

" _Dad, can I have -" - Scorpius, age 10_

" _No." - Draco Malfoy, age 31_

"So…?" Draco questioned.

"How about a weasel?" Scorpius replied. "They both are in the same genus,  _Mustela_ , and -"

"Yes. You can have a weasel." Draco darkly chuckled.

 _At King's Cross_ …

"Did you like my son's ferret? It looked a bit like you. Similar facial features." Harry taunted.

"Oh yeah? Well my son has a weasel. Shame it's not as fiery red as the family of weasels." Draco taunted back.

"You want to go? Or will your father hear about this?" Harry said. The two had started to do the common anime pose of clashing foreheads while an aura surrounded the two in different colors. Draco's was blood red while Harry's was emerald green.

"Oh, I'm ready when you are." Draco hissed.


	6. Yeet

"I screwed up big time." Newt said, walking into his brother's apartment and flopping down on his sofa, face first.

Theseus, who, at this point was used to his brother randomly showing up and face-planting onto his couch, just sighed. "Newt, given your daily life experiences, can you be a tad bit more specific?"

"Well, you know how Hufflepuffs are particularly good finders?"

"Yeah?"

"Well I kind of accidentally got ahold of a time turner."

Theseus dreaded where this was heading. "And?"

"And this one was different in the fact that it allowed me to time travel to the future."

Theseus gulped. Newt and time travel was a scary idea. Just imagining one of his magical creatures dying out in the future or him finding an extinct magical creature and bringing it back to the present… Theseus shuddered.  _Bad thoughts…_

"Well… I kind of got into a  _small_  tussle with one of the future Professors of Hogwarts…"

Theseus groaned.  _This doesn't sound good at all…_

"You fought a Hogwarts professor?"

"Yes?"

"WHY?"

"She insulted some of my creatures…"

"So, you fought her?"

"A bit more than that. With some help of a Phoenix I… kind of threw her into the sun?"

_Why me?_

"Newt. You can't just throw people into the sun!"

"I know that! It was mostly the Phoenix doing the throwing anyway. Have you seen my arms?"

"Yes, I have. What was the professor's name?"

"I have no clue. The students looked happy when she was thrown into the sun so she wasn't very well liked. She looked like a bit of a… toad."

A moment passed between the two brothers.

"So… am I in trouble?"

"Take a guess."

"No?"

"Take  _another_  guess."


	7. Oh, A Staff Meeting

"I cannot believe this!  _Four_ students out of bed in a single night! This is unacceptable!" Professor McGonagall ranted during the morning staff meeting.

With the familiar twinkle in his eye, Dumbledore nodded serenely. "You have to wonder just how two of those students managed to get up to Astronomy Tower without  _ever_  being seen… it's an eternal mystery."

"Disregard that, Albus! I deducted nearly two hundred points last night. And I gave them detention as well. Hopefully this will teach them to never sneak out of bed at night again!"

"Isn't that a bit harsh?" Pomona Sprout asked. "That's fifty points each and detention to top it off. That's more along the lines of a midnight duel. They are just first years you know."

"I think that it's what those upstarts deserved," Snape commented, sipping his morning cup of angst tea with a hard, dry scone sitting off to the side.

"One of them is your godson, right?" Professor Sinistra said. "Why on earth are you calling him an upstart?"

"Draco excluded of course." Snape amended. "What are your thoughts for who should they serve detention with? I'd be  _glad_  to lend a hand."

"I want them scared, not murdered." Minerva said. "I'm thinking of giving them off to Hagrid to help with him figuring out why unicorns are dying. That should have them scared straight."

"Oh, fitting!" Dumbledore cheered.

"Minerva! Are you sure that that is a wise decision? They are  _first_  years and that's the  _Forbidden Forest_!" Flitwick said, stepping back half an inch.

"It's just the Forbidden Forest Filius. Besides, there is nothing like an overnight stay in a terrifying and dangerous forest with limited adult supervision not to mention no really offensive magic to bring out the very best in our students. It's why we are a top-ranked magic school after all." Minerva waved dismissively.

"There's a reason why we call it  _Forbidden_ , Minerva. Why not have them scrub the owlery? We can have the house elves give the owls a nice, hearty meal to make it extra dirty for the four."

"That's a bit soft." Snape said, slurping his tea in a dignified manner. "I like Minerva's idea. On-Hands experience and whatnot.

"Exactly!" Minerva exclaimed. "They are going into the forest."

"...To find a dead unicorn?" Filius deadpanned.

"It will be a great team building exercise. Stop giving me that look Pomona… what could  _possibly_  go wrong?"


	8. Good, I Was Getting Bored

September 1st, 2017

"We have quite the list of first years this year…" Neville Longbottom, Herbology professor, commented, looking over the list. "James Sirius Potter… Fred Weasley II… Louis Weasley… all of whom are quite the troublemakers and pranksters at Weasley Family gatherings… Are you sure you can handle it, Professor?"

Professor McGonagall, once a Transfiguration professor for over thirty years, now current Headmistress of Hogwarts, simply smirked.

"Neville my dear, you have to remember. I have fought and survived  _three_  wars. I had to deal with the Marauders and some of Voldemort's inner circle at the same time. I kept the Weasley Twins at bay for  _six years_  before I let them loose on that toad. I managed the school when Dumbledore couldn't, keeping psychopaths at bay with my mere presence. I have had to bury my own students and live with the fact that I taught the Death Eaters too well. I have fixed too many of Dumbledore's mistakes. I've been defeated a grand total of once - fighting against four Aurors to protect Hagrid. I am both feared and respected by the Ministry of Magic and Death Eaters. In all honesty,  _I was getting bored_."

Later, at the Welcoming Feast:

"Alright men! We are the next generation of Marauders and must make our ancestors proud of us!" James Sirius Potter exclaimed gleefully after his two best friends/cousins were sorted into Gryffindor like him. "So, our first mission is…" James noticed that his two cousins weren't paying attention to him. "Men?"

"Is there a reason why Professor McGonagall is smiling like that?" Fred Weasley II asked, his voice shaking just a bit.

Teddy Lupin, who had been sitting adjacent to them at the Hufflepuff table, choosing to sit with the incoming 1st years, laughed. "Oh, you three are going to have  _so_  much with Professor Minerva "McBadass" McGonagall..."


	9. Sleekeazy's: For All Your Hair Needs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by the Tumblr post from am-artist.

**‘Tis I, remembering that I have a story to update…**

**The four year anniversary of the original “What If?” is coming up. I posted the first chapter when I was thirteen. I’m seventeen now. Wow.**

**Anyways…**

 

It had begun as a simple Getting-To-Know-Your-Roomates-Because-You-Will-Be-Spending-The-Next-Seven-Years-With-Them session in the Gryffindor Boys’ First Year Dormitory.

The Future Marauders had been discussing their families after Sirius explained why exactly he hated his family.

“Yikes.” 11-Year-Old James Potter said. “Sirius Orion Black… it sounds so pretentious.”

“That’s a mighty big word.” Sirius teased. “I bet your full name is much better. We can’t all be Remus Elizabeth Lupin, but it’s probably nowhere near as bad as Sirius Orion Black.”

“My name is Remus  _ John _ Lupin.” Remus growled.

“That’s what I said: Remus Leslie Lupin.” Sirius confirmed. “Come on, James… what is your full name?”

“James Fleamont Potter.”

“Fleamont?” Peter Pettigrew shrieked. “What kind of name is Fleamont?”

James snapped. “Hey, that’s my dad’s name! It was my great-grandmother’s maiden name; she was the last of her family and didn’t want the name to die out so my grandpa Harry decided to name my dad that!”

Sirius blinked. “I don’t care about that… are you telling me that your dad is the greatest hair genius in the world, Fleamont Potter, creator of Sleeakeasy’s Hair Potion - Two drops tames even the most bothersome barnet!?”

James groaned. “...yes.”

Sirius shrieked louder than a traitorous rat ever could.

_ The Next Day… _

“Here-y, Here-y, make way for the son of an absolute genius when it comes to hair care products; the son of the creator of the hair product that can tame any mane - JAMES FLEAMONT POTTER!” Sirius shouted, bursting through the door to the Great Hall for breakfast.

“Doesn’t my hair just look  _ RAVISHING _ ? This is the power of  _ SLEEKEAZY'S _ \- your hair will be the softest hair imaginable!”

“Mr. Black, please sit down.” Professor McGonagall, looking as scary as she did last night prior to the sorting.

“But Professor!” Sirius exclaimed. “I just have to advertise my absolute best friend’s father’s product! Sleekeazy’s saved my life you know!”

James just groaned.

He hoped that Sirius would let it go soon.

Sirius did not let it go. Whether it be at breakfast, lunch, or dinner, Sirius made sure to advertise Sleekeazy’s Hair Potion at the minimum of twice a week. Sales for Sleekeazy’s hair potion coming from Hogwarts quadrupled; there eventually had to be a mail-in monthly subscription due to the owls being unable to keep up with the orders.

Alongside the weekly advertisements made from Sirius, Sirius also made sure to advertise in the classroom.

For their first Christmas at Hogwarts, James invited Sirius to his house, since Sirius did not want to be at home for longer than he absolutely had to be. Sirius agreed; partly because James and Sirius had grown extremely close in the last three months, and also because he had the perfect present for James - the Limited Edition 1971 Sleekeazy’s Christmas Box, for all of your scented hair product needs.

 

(When Sirius met Fleamont Potter for the first time, he bowed - not the simple Elvis Presley, “Thank you.” bow. No - the Worshiping-A-Deity bow. Fleamont had laughed and gave Sirius a lifetime supply of Sleekeazy’s.)

(The lifetime supply was later locked up in the Black Family Vault because of Sirius being sent to Azkaban which explains why his hair was a matted mess when Harry first met him in 1993 but we’re not going to get into that. There was a lot of Sleekeazy’s involved after he went on the run and had an actual shower though.)

 

In their second year at the Opening Feast, Sirius got up from his seat and in a true Sirius fashion, he began to compliment Dumbledore’s beard.

“Professor, I’ve got to say - your beard looks absolutely marvelous. Tell me, do you use Sleekeazy’s newest product; Sleekeazy’s Beard Taming Spray? It revitalizes the facial hair in the most extraordinary of ways and works with all hair types and colors!”

“Ah, I do indeed, Mr. Black. But I think what the older students would definitely enjoy is the Sleekeazy’s temporary hair color - for when you want to have a rebellious phase but don’t want your parents to know! It’s on sale now and available for mail-in-order. Free shipping when you buy the subscription!”

 

By third year everyone was getting into it. James Potter just wanted to die. Lily Evans had originally joined in to annoy James but then she ended up casually talking about the different products Sleekeazy’s offered.

At one point, Professor Minnie offered them a “Get-Out-Detention-Free” Pass every month if James could get her a reduced price on the latest subscription box for Sleekeazy’s - the Sleekeazy Lady’s Total Hair Care Subscription box.

 

Sirius never let it go; every birthday, Christmas, Valentine’s Day, Easter - James Potter would always receive a bottle of Sleekeazy’s; never the same twice.

 

And when Sirius’ godson, Harry, was born, the first present given to him was Sleekeazy’s Nourishing Baby Hair Oil.

 

There was one amusing moment in which Severus Snape and Regulus Black were attending a meeting with the rest of Voldemort’s inner circle when an owl crashed into the table, interrupting Voldemort’s speech. The owl had been carrying a package addressed to Voldemort as:

**YOUR WORSHIPFULNESS**

**(Voldemort)**

Inside was every single Sleekeazy’s product available on the market including Sleekeazy’s Nose Hair Removal Potion, Unibrow Tamer, and Sleekeazy Bald Spot Removal Rub (guaranteed to promote growth in that pesky bald spot)


	10. Trolling Students w/ Modern Slang Misuse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based on Tumblr Prompt from @incorrect-harry-potter-quotes
> 
> Neville: One bonus of being an adult is grossly misusing modern slang on purpose and watching my students cry inside.  
> Neville: A fine example: the other day I pointed at a Hippogriff and, while looking at Teddy Lupin right in the eye, went "Man is that Bae or what, huh?" and the look on his face was something I will treasure for years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the shortness but inspiration briefly struck.  
> I wanted to try an all dialogue chapter. If you can't tell, the conversation is between Harry and Neville.

**** “Neville, Teddy told me to inform you that your position as ‘Favorite Uncle’ has been handed over to Draco.”

“Why?”

“According to him, you came up to him after his Care for Magical Creatures class and asked him if the hippogriff they were studying was ‘Bae or not’. I thought you knew how to use that word.”

“Oh I do. But the thing is, the best thing about being an adult is that you aren’t supposed to know what it means. Since I do, that means that I can abuse my right to misuse it and watch my students die a little on the inside each time. You should try it at your next Defense Against the Dark Arts seminar.”

“I can see why Draco is now Teddy’s favorite uncle. But… I might take you up on your suggestion… if only to see their faces.”


End file.
